The Story of Agent Maxwell

Agent Maxwell pulled into the warehouse, anxious to take down one of New York City's most prolific mob bosses. He was known as Sergio but everyone knew it was simply one of his many aliases. He was a ruthless but just leader, if such a thing even exists in organized crime. Those loyal to Sergio were rewarded, those who even thought of betraying him, were disposed of in the most creative manner possible.

Maxwell was alone, as was Sergio, according to the intel. There was a massive accident involving an two 18 wheeler trucks, blocking traffic from advancing. Maxwell was the only one to beat the rush. His calls for back up fell on deaf ears and he waited outside, unsure of how to proceed. Maxwell recently made it to the FBI's white collar division after working for the New York Park Police for five years. He was a no-name, just another guy putting his life on the line for a petty cop salary. Then he got his chance when he was delivering some case files to the FBI. He walked into a meeting on accident and happened to connect the dots on a billion dollar Ponzi scheme and helped take down one of the biggest crime syndicates in America since Al Capone.

While he seemed to be a promising and fresh addition to the FBI he disappeared. He couldn't solve any of the big cases that came to him and soon went back to being a grunt, this time in the FBI office. Sergio was a on the most wanted list for the better part of ten years, Maxwell was the one who came up with the lead that led him to this warehouse. A friend of his was walking past this very place when he heard loud grumbling machinery coming from the inside; which he considered odd considering the warehouse was abandoned for violating structural code. Maxwell followed up, did his magic and now was at the warehouse without a single officer to cover him.

Protocol dictated that he not enter without back-up, his safety was more important than catching a criminal. Maxwell had his options in front of him, thought about them and knew this arrest would open every door in the world of law enforcement. He decided to go in. Flipping the safety off his pistol, he clutched his weapon in this right hand and slowly opened the door with his left. He walked in and saw two individuals swapping briefcases, it looked like a deal was going down. He aimed his pistol at them, and told them to freeze. Both men slowly raised their hands and Maxwell moved in slowly, eager to make the biggest arrest of his career. He reached for his handcuffs but his hand didn't make it all the way back.

The bumpy road woke Maxwell up. His head was aching and was swollen to the size a melon, he was gagged and had his arms and legs tied up rather professionally. It was dark and he couldn't see a thing but figured he was in the back of some cargo van. He had no clue how long he'd been out but realized there must have been an ambush waiting for him at the warehouse. The intel was bad, and Maxwell was going to suffer for it. After 30 minutes or so the truck stopped in what appeared to be a ghost town. There were old, rotting buildings but no actual people, or so he thought. This ghost town was actually Sergio's headquarters.

Sergio wanted to record Maxwell to get a random message out to the government. He ungagged him, placed a clean white background behind him, and drew a smiley face on the top of the white background, just to mess with them. Sergio told Maxwell exactly what to say, and that a single deviation would mean 5 minutes of water boarding and something involving jumper cables and a car battery. If he kept to the script, he wouldn't be hurt. Such was the 'just' nature with which Sergio ruled. Maxwell stuck to the script, but blinked quite erratically, probably on account of the stress that accompanies kidnapping victims.

Maxwell was then tossed into a solid steel prison cage, with no windows and a hole in the ground that lead to the septic tank. The stench engulfed the cage's occupants, and was harder to remove than a clingy girlfriend. Maxwell was in there for hours, nauseated by the putrid smell of year old human waste. Sergio then brought him out, and told him that, regretfully, the FBI didn't meet his ransom demands, and because they didn't hold up their end, Sergio isn't responsible for keeping him safe. He blindfolded him and told him his death would be quick and painless. Five men lined up around around him and readied their weapons. Sergio counted down from 5.

"Five...four...three...two...."

"DROP YOUR WEAPONS!"

A battalion of FBI and SWAT team members, decked out in bullet proof kevlar and armed with M4A1 assault rifles, surrounded the make-shift firing squad. Maxwell exhaled a sigh of relief, knowing that he was going to be okay.

Maxwell, while not known as a superstar agent, mastered morse code and relayed it with his blinks when Sergio had him record the ransom video. He blinked the license plate number of the armored cargo van that he was in. FBI tracked down the license plate number and activated the LoJack tracking system that was built into all armored vehicles. The delay was in figuring out Maxwell was using morse  code, translating it and then figuring out what a seemingly random assortment of letters and numbers meant.

Maxwell took the next day off and was eager to get his bearings back and go back to the office, knowing that people would never forget his name again.
   

The College Admissions Process

This is the story of Mr. Worthington Wordsworth, imaginary Dean of Admissions at the Best University in America.

August 1st, 2013

Mr. Wordsworth meets with several of his highest ranking admissions officers. These are the people who create the parameters for admissions for every school year. Today's meeting was to establish the guidelines for this year's early admissions process. Mr. Wordsworth was tired of the rather high acceptance rate of 20%.

"We can no longer be the easy chick everyone has a shot with at the party! We must be more selective!" Mr. Wordsworth emphatically preached to his admissions officers. They then decided to set up new numerical cut-offs for the upcoming school year. One admissions officer realized that the school preached that they didn't have numerical cut-offs and voiced his opinion to Mr. Wordsworth.

The admissions council didn't respond, but all silently gawked at the officer's blatant heresy. Mr. Wordsworth responded, but with a golf club to the ear instead of words. With the one traitor eliminated  the admissions process could proceed. The council decided on SAT scores of at least 2110, to be achieved any way the student wanted. They also needed an unweighted 3.85 GPA...and then decided to make it 3.86. They also required at least 6 A.P. classes and a minimum score of 4 on each A.P. test.

"Excellent!" Mr. Wordsworth declared, "What is next on our agenda?" Mr. Wordsworth's right hand (wo)man, Ms. Largemouth piped up and squeaked, "Well I made sure we weren't on the stupid Common Application, that would make applying much too easy. I also think we have to discuss our racial quotas for the next year."

"Correct, racial quotas are very important," Mr. Wordsworth emphatically replied. "What are our statistics for the current school year?"

Mr. Hardick (pronounced Haar-Deek, not whatever you perverts are thinking) was the master of statistics of the school and eagerly pulled out his notes and spoke with a very heavy Indian accent saying, "Ve have 67% percent Vites, 2% Hispanic, 23% Chinese, 5% Negros, and 3% Other."

"Interesting...so I am going to propose a plan and you all are free to comment. We must reduce the amount of the chinese! They work too hard and they all have 4.0s, we should care more about different colors of people in our school rather than just their academic accomplishments. Additionally, we need more blacks. The blacks should have lower requirements for admissions because we need more of them. I suggest a 3.0 GPA, 1600 SAT and 1 A.P. class as their requirements. And if they play sports then all they need is a high school diploma. Fair enough?"

Everyone nodded their heads in agreement but one, rather slurred, voice spoke up hesitatingly, saying "but...thats not...fair. Equal...opportunity...everyone," and then passed out again. It was the traitor from before, apparently a 9 iron wasn't enough to shut him up so Mr. Wordsworth got out his carbon fiber driver out of his caddy bag and whacked him again, and taped his mouth shut for good measure.

"I'm sorry about that, please ignore Mr. Logiclyspeaking. He probably had too much to drink last night.  So...no objections to the block Asians and admit Blacks plan?"

"No sir!" The council replied in unison.

"Excellent! Now for the essay topic...what do you all propose?"

The responses overwhelmed Mr. Wordsworth so he asked for them one at a time. The responses were interesting. The top five in consideration were: "Why are you a leader and does leadership help you in life?", "Pick a color: black or white?", "Where IS Waldo?", "What can you contribute to the Best University in America besides tuition fees?" and finally, "Write an essay explaining the environmental benefits of marijuana."

The council was stuck for the first time that day, and pondered long and hard before Mr. Wordsworth decided to give everyone a 15 minute break. After they returned from using the bathroom and not washing their hands, the admissions council feasted on the donuts and small sandwiches Mr. Wordsworth had brought in for them and56 they settled on the first one. The rationale being a leader somehow contributes to how well you do in college level courses.

With the requirements and application details complete, Mr. Wordsworth assigned three of the council members to create an application online and to work in a couple of short answers that they would never read in order to make it as tedious as possible. And with that, the admissions council departed, to return on November 1st, the deadline for all applications.

November 1st, 2013

Mr. Wordsworth walked into the war room, as he liked to call it, to begin the reviewing of applications.
"How many did we receive this year?" He asked.

"Exactly 41095 applications sir!" Mr. Hardick replied.

"And how much in application fees is that?"

"Approximately 32876 double zero dollars."

"So that's 3,287,600 correct?"

"Yes sir!"

"And how many have we disposed of due to numerical cut-offs?"

"10 triple zero sir!"

"Good! Now how many Chinese applications did we dispose of?"

"95% of them! so now only 1000 applications are from the Chinese"

"So that leaves only 21095 applications right?"

"Correct!"

"And how many of the blacks met their numerical cutoffs?"

"Three triple zero sir!"

"Good, send them their acceptance letters and we shall start reviewing the remaining applications. Good work Mr. Hardick"

"Thank you sir!" And Mr. Hardick sat down.

The admissions committee looked at several applications every 10 minutes, throwing away essays at the first sign of a grammatical error. They instantly rejected applicants who hadn't been a president of some organization, because they clearly lack the proper leadership skills of a student at B.U.A.

And with some amazing show of resiliency, the traitor stirred to life, chiming in for what were probably his last words: "why...do you care about leadership...these kids are here to LEARN not LEAD! That's what our professors are for..." and his voice trailed off with a sound THUMP, indicating his head had fallen back down.

"We'll just ignore that, yes?" Mr. Wordsworth asked his team, "Obviously, a popularity contest is more important to success at B.U.A. than their petty school work."

"Of course Mr. Wordsworth, leadership is ever important! You don't need to tell us twice." Ms. Largemouth replied.

As they continued to review the applications over the next few days, another group of admissions staff worked diligently in the background. See, the admissions team didn't believe in disposing of all the paper from the rejected applications. They also didn't want to print rejection letters or invest in a huge server to handle online application checking. The admissions council was stumped for about two days after the University first opened in 1776.

Somewhere between 1045 and 1058 A.D. Bi Sheng of China invented movable type, a monumental step forward in the making of books. The admissions council took his invention a step further, and made a fixed movable type prototype that inked itself and would print in red ink. They called it a rubber stamp. The word on the stamp: a nice, thick, capitalized REJECTED, all in a nice juicy red.

Instead of printing a rejection letter and wasting more paper they would simply stamp the front page of the application with the stamp pictured on the right and then send that right back to them. No explanation, no nothing. Saving paper and helping the United States Postal Service, simply a double win for the admissions officers at B.U.A.
The people responsible for this were not the direct admissions staff. There was an army of workers right under the floor where the counselors made their admissions decisions. The trash bins upstairs funneled all the rejected applications downstairs so they could be stamped and sent back to their owners.

This process would continue for several weeks until the amount of applications was narrowed down to 4 times the size of the actual incoming freshman class.

This is around the first week of December and Mr. Wordsworth was really excited, "Bring out the dart board!" Two people rolled out a rather large custom dart board, divided into four separate quadrants. This was the best part, the infamous dart board contest. The remaining stack of potentially accepted students was to be divided equally among all the senior admissions officers and they would each cut down their stacks to one fourth of the original amount. After making sure all the race diversity quotas were filled they would take their applications, four at at time, pin them to the dartboard, give it a spin and throw one dart. The person whose application was hit would be accepted while the others would be sent down to the next floor.

Eventually, after many days at the dart board, the admissions council decided to release the decisions of the lucky few who got admitted, finally bringing happiness to some applicants as opposed to all the misery they sent out in the previous weeks. And so ends the admissions process for this year, Mr. Wordsworth accomplished what he wanted.

Next would come the story of Ms. Moneybags, the head of financial aid services at B.U.A. but that story is for another time. Thanks for reading!

Redskins Close Out 2012 Season With Playoff Loss to Seattle

The Game

After four possessions of football in the first quarter the score was 14-0 Redskins. RG3 was on fire with 60+ yards and two touchdowns. Alfred Morris was doing his thing and the defense kept Russell Wilson under control. What looked like a blowout win turned into an old fashioned Redskins loss. On his second touchdown drive RG3 was hit late by a Seattle linebacker. On the radio Doc Walker was furious and called him a "coward" but if you look at the play you realize what Doc was meant. I'll just say it starts with a B and ends with an itch.

Then after throwing his 2nd touchdown RG3 looked like he hurt his knee again and had a slight limp to his step. He get his brace adjusted and leg taped and stayed in the game but RG3 looked more like Donovan McNabb in the pocket. He was inaccurate on many throws, couldn't run and could barely move in the pocket. For the last three quarters of the game he threw for a pitiful 16 yards along with an interception. He was ineffective and his play cost us the game. The defense kept the Redskins lead for as long as it could but eventually broke as the offense couldn't stay on the field for more than three plays. Late in the fourth quarter Will Montgomery threw another bad snap and RG3's knee collapsed in a gruesome way and stayed on the ground without even trying to get the ball. That's how bad he was hurt. He finally came out of the game but it was too little too late as Seattle had a two score lead and could easily play defense when the Redskins could only throw the ball. Seattle won 24-14 for its third straight playoff win against Washington.

Coaching Controversy 

It looks like RG3 has partial tears of ACL and his MCL, the same ACL he tore once before in college. This is a severe blow to Griffin's long term health as it seems unlikely his knee will be the same after all this surgery. The issue is why Mike Shanahan didn't take RG3 out of the game earlier. RG3 told Shanahan that he was hurt and not injured and he could stay in the game. Griffin is 22. He was born in the 90's. So was I. The point is the Griffin is a young football player with a ton of heart. He is a the leader of this football and needs to show it.

Mike Shanahan is the wiser head coach and needs to see what is best for the future of the team and the future of his quarterback. RG3 couldn't run and he wasn't making throws. On an option play RG3 kept it and hopped on one leg for nine yards. On another play he rolled out on a bootleg, had ample time to throw, and when he saw a defender coming right at him he took a sack. The real RG3 would've either sidestepped him or at least gotten rid of the football. After those plays Shanahan HAD to take him out of the game for his own safety. Whether Kirk Cousins could've stepped in an won the game is not even an issue. In all likelihood the Redskins were not winning the superbowl this year, and the future is more important than one game. Despite the fact Cousins has proven he is clutch and can handle pressure situations Shanahan kept a hobbled RG3 in the game it may have cost RG3 his explosive ability. At this point all Redskins fans can hope for is that RG3 makes a recovery in time for next season and can maintain his amazing level of play from when he was healthy.

A Look Back at 2012

Despite a horrible ending to the Redskins 7 game win streak the 2012 season was a major victory for the Redskins franchise and their fans. It all started in April when the Redskins drafted RG3 and Alfred Morris, two perennial all-stars at their positions. They also drafted Keenan Robinson, Kirk Cousins and Richard Crawford, rookies who have excelled when pressed into the line of duty. They also added some depth onto the offensive line with Adam Gettis, Josh LeReibus and Tom Compton. This was a very successful and impact-ful draft class, one of the best in Redskins history and is a solid building block for the playoff contenders the Redskins are about to be.

Our offensive line stayed healthy the entire year and the Redskins were one of the most prolific scoring teams in the league. Only 3 teams scored more touchdowns than the Redskins. They also had the number one rushing attack in the entire league. And rookie Alfred Morris fell second only to all-pro Adrian Peterson in yards and yards per carry, and second only to Arian Foster in rushing touchdowns. RG3 beat Cam Newton's rushing record and scored 8 rushing touchdowns. The Redskins had the least amount of turnovers since 1983 (the year they won their first superbowl) and RG3 threw for meager 5 interceptions, only Tom Brady threw less.

Our rushing defense was one of the best in the league and while the pass defense was a major problems this year, they generated turnovers on a regular basis and finished with an impressive +17 turnover ratio. The returns of Brandon Merriwether, Brian Orakpo and Adam Carriker should help the defense next year.

We also found a clutch kicker in Kai Forbath who nailed 17 straight kicks, included a game winner against Baltimore, before knocking one off the uprights against Dallas. He finished the season 17 for 18 and set the record for most consecutive field goals made to start a career. The Redskins finally found an answer to their kicking woes of past.

And, most importantly, we went 10-6, went 5-1 in the division and swept the Cowboys and knocked Dallas out of the playoffs. We won the NFC East and this was a very successful season for the Redskins.

A Look to the Future

Unlike annoying Redskins fans who think we're going to the superbowl after two regular season wins I try to be as realistic as possible. After the Carolina game I wrote that the Redskins were on the verge of another losing season and I was happily proven wrong by their seven game winning streak. In my unprofessional opinion, with the addition of a solid free safety, a corner or two that plays like DeAngelo Hall has these past two games without the attitude, a big play wide receiver to accompany Pierre Garcon, and some depth in the linebacking core, the Redskins will be playoff contenders on regular basis. Give them two offseasons, two drafts and two free agency signings and they will be the team to beat in the NFC East.

Redskins Knock Out Cowboys to Clinch NFC East

I realize I haven't posted in a while and that's because I've had a crappy winter break. I didn't see the Redskins game as I was watching the Chiefs game with my cousins at Arrowhead and after that I got really sick and didn't get better until that following Friday. And I didn't post yesterday because I had to finish up the last of my college applications. Regardless here is my first article of 2013!

After getting torched for four touchdown passes last game, Dallas came into D.C. intent on stopping RG3 and the Redskins high flying passing attack. They were successful, RG3 threw no touchdowns and only had 100 passing yards. The rookie they forgot about however was 6th round running back Alfred Morris. The ground game was all the Redskins needed to sweep their bitter rivals. Alfred Morris amassing a whopping 200 yards and 3 touchdowns all on the ground. Combine that with RG3's 63 yards and one rushing touchdown the Redskins scored every point on the ground.

The Redskins defense was wonderful. Forcing two early Tony Romo interceptions they put the offense in position to do some damage. But all they got was a missed Kai Forbath field goal, his first miss of the year. After the Redskins failed to convert a third down Dallas got the ball back with 3 minutes of football to play and a one score game. The defense got immediate pressure and Romo threw his third pick to back-up linebacker Rob Jackson. The offense closed it out with Alfred Morris's 3rd touchdown run.

This game was historic in that the Redskins have not won the division at all since the new millennium started. The only times they have made the playoffs was as a wild card under the Joe Gibbs regime. Additionally, every time the Redskins DID make the playoffs they were knocked out by the Seattle Seahawks. Always at Qwest field.

This year the Redskins get a chance for revenge as the Seahawks are a mere 3-5 on the road and don't have their famous 12th man for this playoff match up. The Seahawks are the more talented team as their defense is better than the Redskins defense and they have the 3rd best running back in the league and Russell Wilson is on fire right now. It will take a gritty effort to win this game. RG3 can't afford any turnovers against a very opportunistic defense and they need to make every possession count. As Coach Shanahan put it "He gets one miss..." in reference to Kai Forbath. He can't miss anymore, not in the playoffs. This game is a matchup between two of the hottest teams in the NFL and only one will move on to the divisional round.

As the regular season ended here is a summary of the Redskins statistics this season:
Team Stats: 
4th Best scoring team in the NFL
5h Best offense in the NFL
20th Best passing offense in the NFL
Number 1 rushing offense in the NFL
+17 Turnover Ratio (Thats really good!)
Defense numbers aren't so pretty but they are the 5th best rushing defense in the NFL.
21 Interceptions
17/18 on Field Goals (With current field goal team)
5-3 Record both at home and on the road

Individual Stats:
Robert Griffin III:
3200 Pass Yards, 20 TDS, 5 INTS, 102.2 QB Rating
815 Rush Yards, 7 TDS, 6.8 Yards/Carry

Alfred Morris:
1613 Yards (#2 in the NFL), 13 TDS (#2 in the NFL), 4.8 Yards/Carry (#2 in the NFL)

Santana Moss:
573 Yards, 8 TDs

Pierre Garcon:
633 Yards, 4 TDs

Joshua Morgan:
510 Yards, 2 TDs

Leaonard Hankerson:
543 Yards, 3 TDs

Aldrick Robinson:
237 Yards, 3 TDs

The wild card playoff game is going to be televised on FOX at 4:15 P.M. on Sunday.