In breaking news today, Eleanor Roosevelt Principal Mr. Reginald McNiell announced that the school was cancelling its tedious I.D. badge policy in favor of a much simpler way to secure the building against trespassers. As in the last 30 years Roosevelt has had over TWO visitors without proper I.D. badges resulting in an astounding zero crimes. This is a clear need for stricter regulation as we're surely due for an act of violence by now.
Effective Tuesday, September 18th, every classroom will have a surgeon implant a RFID chip in every student's skull, complete with their birthday, full name, grade, homeroom teacher, ID number and suit size. The administrators and teachers will all have scanners to check attendance and make sure they have hall passes. The cafeteria is going to have to find other ways of getting kids trash duty...just kidding, I temporarily forgot the genocide that is 9 kids sitting at an 8 person table. No worries. Problem solved.
After spending most of the budget on the RFID chips and associated programming costs, Roosevelt's Budget Committee decided professional surgeons were out reach and settled for any med students. They also sent a memo illustrating the need for people with surgical experience and help setup an interview day for prospective surgeons. Everyone who showed up happened to be an Indian child whose parents stopped the reading the letter at the word doctor and simply herded up their kids and all their Indian friends and drove to the school while telling Aunty Sheela and Uncle Nandu that Rajesh is already a doctor.
Some parents spoke out against the policy, saying it should lab tested first, to which NHS Teacher of the Year in 2011, Mr. Hendley, replied: "Are you kidding me? IT'S TEST TIMEE!"
All the parents who spoke against the policy are currently unavailable for comment, three of which were quite irritated to find their cars dented as they parked in the student parking lot for over 15 seconds.
In other news Mr. Bagley announced his retirement, saying he just can't deal with in-school bums without letting off steam and yelling at the petrified freshman to get their I.D.s on.
"I TRIED CONVINCING THEM THAT THERE'S A POOL ON THE ROOF, BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME JOY AS CATCHING KIDS WITHOUT THEIR I.D.S ON," said Mr. Bagley, who for some reason, has only one volume when speaking.
Roosevelt's student population also voiced their opinions on the issue. Here are some samples:
1. "Oh yeah girlaaa I ain't gots to wear my ID no mo! But I aint tryna get no surgery up in my weave!" -ShaniquabigBstaytattedratchetness Quarystulz (Pronounced Crystals)
2. "..." -That guy who never talks in class
3. "I dun care about no stupid IDs I just clutched a 2350 on my SAT!" -Asian guy whose lived long enough in P.G. County to learn the slang.
4. "Well, personally, I find the situation to be a staunch violation of my constitutional rights." -Educated person. (Representing a minuscule percentage of the student body)
5. "I.D.s? Who cares about I.D.s?! Chapter 1 is due TOMORROW and I STILL don't have a mentor!" -Science and Tech Student.
6. "Yolo" -Unknown.
This is sure to be a big milestone in the two time blue ribbon school, the perfect skin on the acne covered face of PGCPS. Other schools are slowly following Eleanor Roosevelt's innovate leap into the future, Charles Flowers is drawing blue prints of a dog collar that gives electric shocks when the student receives a text message, and a school in New York is mandating chemically unique uniform pants, that instantly dissolve weed, crack and heroin, making them unsuitable for sale. What do you think? Agree with the policy? Disagree? Email the editor at idontgiveadamn@aol.com.
As always, thanks for reading!
Effective Tuesday, September 18th, every classroom will have a surgeon implant a RFID chip in every student's skull, complete with their birthday, full name, grade, homeroom teacher, ID number and suit size. The administrators and teachers will all have scanners to check attendance and make sure they have hall passes. The cafeteria is going to have to find other ways of getting kids trash duty...just kidding, I temporarily forgot the genocide that is 9 kids sitting at an 8 person table. No worries. Problem solved.
After spending most of the budget on the RFID chips and associated programming costs, Roosevelt's Budget Committee decided professional surgeons were out reach and settled for any med students. They also sent a memo illustrating the need for people with surgical experience and help setup an interview day for prospective surgeons. Everyone who showed up happened to be an Indian child whose parents stopped the reading the letter at the word doctor and simply herded up their kids and all their Indian friends and drove to the school while telling Aunty Sheela and Uncle Nandu that Rajesh is already a doctor.
Some parents spoke out against the policy, saying it should lab tested first, to which NHS Teacher of the Year in 2011, Mr. Hendley, replied: "Are you kidding me? IT'S TEST TIMEE!"
All the parents who spoke against the policy are currently unavailable for comment, three of which were quite irritated to find their cars dented as they parked in the student parking lot for over 15 seconds.
In other news Mr. Bagley announced his retirement, saying he just can't deal with in-school bums without letting off steam and yelling at the petrified freshman to get their I.D.s on.
"I TRIED CONVINCING THEM THAT THERE'S A POOL ON THE ROOF, BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME JOY AS CATCHING KIDS WITHOUT THEIR I.D.S ON," said Mr. Bagley, who for some reason, has only one volume when speaking.
Roosevelt's student population also voiced their opinions on the issue. Here are some samples:
1. "Oh yeah girlaaa I ain't gots to wear my ID no mo! But I aint tryna get no surgery up in my weave!" -ShaniquabigBstaytattedratchetness Quarystulz (Pronounced Crystals)
2. "..." -That guy who never talks in class
3. "I dun care about no stupid IDs I just clutched a 2350 on my SAT!" -Asian guy whose lived long enough in P.G. County to learn the slang.
4. "Well, personally, I find the situation to be a staunch violation of my constitutional rights." -Educated person. (Representing a minuscule percentage of the student body)
5. "I.D.s? Who cares about I.D.s?! Chapter 1 is due TOMORROW and I STILL don't have a mentor!" -Science and Tech Student.
6. "Yolo" -Unknown.
This is sure to be a big milestone in the two time blue ribbon school, the perfect skin on the acne covered face of PGCPS. Other schools are slowly following Eleanor Roosevelt's innovate leap into the future, Charles Flowers is drawing blue prints of a dog collar that gives electric shocks when the student receives a text message, and a school in New York is mandating chemically unique uniform pants, that instantly dissolve weed, crack and heroin, making them unsuitable for sale. What do you think? Agree with the policy? Disagree? Email the editor at idontgiveadamn@aol.com.
As always, thanks for reading!
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